Mind Your Manners

This year's project theme for my computer students: Manners and Etiquette

In preparing for a lesson I ran into this site. I will not be using it in my lesson.

Proper manners vary widely from culture to culture. But what about in America? What are the proper manners? Fortunately I’ve compiled what I believe to be an excellent source of recommendations should you be visiting the U.S. soon.

Manners for Guests in an American Home

House Guest Rules:

1. Most Americans will smile and shake hands or may even give a simple hug when first meeting. Kissing on the cheeks is thought to be too forward in most instances. However, make sure that you kiss and cuddle and ooh and awe over the family pet. Your hosts use this as a gauge of whether you will fit into their home. Loving the pet is imperative.

2. Informality is not unusual in an American home. Hosts often will say, "Make yourself at home," to a guest. However, this does not mean that you may eat the last of any opened package of your host’s favorite cookie. If you are given permission to eat the last cookie decline even if your host insists, as they are only being polite while inside they are hoping you won’t eat it. It is not considered rude to say you have reconsidered and would rather have another snack, as both you and the host will know you are saving them face.

3. Ask your hosts how they prefer to be addressed. This will likely be by their first name or Mr. or Mrs. and their last name. Be considerate of this request. Attempts to call them anything otherwise such as “Homer and Marge Simpson” or “My fat, lazy American hosts” probably won’t fly. Insisting later that you only meant it as a term of endearment may cause them to chuckle lightly, but you can never be certain that they have truly dismissed it. At some point in some small way they may get even. This is the American way.

4. Do not remove your shoes when entering an American home. Only members of the family who actually reside in the home may do this or if you have been a guest for at least a week. Removing your shoes at an entrance is a signal to an American that this is somehow your house and you can do what you please. Wipe your shoes on the doormat and then proceed to enter. If you are still tracking dirt return to the doormat and wipe again. If they are extremely muddy ask for a rag and wipe them outside or hose them off and dry them. Apologize but do not ask if you can remove your shoes, ever. Your host would rather clean the carpet later rather than see or possibly smell your socks or bare feet. (Americans will only remove their shoes and hold them up in a shoe store when they are gesturing to a shoe salesman that they need help.)

5. Do not ask to use the host's toothbrush or underwear. This does not mean that it is all right to use them discretely without permission because you are trying to avoid embarrassing your host by asking. Do not think that if you use them and clean them it is all right either. If you are caught with them in your possession you will be in the wrong. Yes, you will be in the wrong even if you are not using them but simply carrying them about. Do not offer to clean them later to be helpful.

6. Never ask your host how much money they make or expect them to give you money because you assume all Americans are rich. Rather if you are short on money say, "Can I borrow a few dollars until I can get more funds?" Americans are happy to lend, but don't forget to say thank you immediately and always pay it back promptly. That is considered polite. Do not say, "Americans have an obligation to give money to people in other countries because of their political policies in the past" and then proceed to ask for cash, ATM codes or signed blank checks. You will receive nothing and will instead incur their wrath, which varies from individual to individual and might not be pleasant.

7. Do not bother asking your hosts when tea is. They will not understand, but may offer you a glass of iced tea. Others may say, “Did you mean to ask where the tea is? If we have any its in the cupboard.” Its best to just make your own tea when you want it. Your host will be pleased that they are not responsible for making it. Do not be surprised if you can not find a kettle or teapot.

8. If you break anything in your host’s home tell them immediately saying, for example, "I am so sorry, I broke your television set". They will not be angry and will readily forgive you although you will be buying them a new television set, their choice and probably something expensive.

9. Do not play on your host's computer without their permission. Do not open and read emails or send out embarrassing emails you've written to people in their address book posing as them. Do not delete files or move them to other directories, modify pictures or send their personal financial information and credit card numbers to friends and family in your home country. Do not remove programs, change operating systems and passwords or move the computer into your room without permission. All these things are frowned upon and would require a sincere apology of at least 5 minutes in length to avoid police action.

10. Never start a fire in your host's home. Put on an extra sweater if you are chilly or ask the host politely for another blanket, but do not start a fire in a wastebasket or hibachi indoors to warm yourself. Most American homes are not built with cinderblocks and are not fireproof, but will likely go up in blazes within minutes. Burning down your host's home and all their possessions is considered an insult. It is also likely they will not pay your hotel costs while you find new living quarters.

Meal Rules:

1. In the US punctuality is a highly valued trait. To be late for an invitation is insulting to the person who is kept waiting. Therefore guests invited for dinner at 6.00 pm on Tuesday, for instance, are expected to arrive at 5:59 pm or 6.00 pm, perhaps at 6.01 pm but not later than 6.02 pm. Guests who are unable to be on time will telephone their hosts, beg forgiveness for their lateness and give an estimated arrival time which better not be greater than 6:04 pm. Its best to just leave early and wait outside their front door until it is precisely 6:00 pm and then ring the doorbell. As they open the door smile and say, "I hope I am not too early or late." to which they will reply, "No, you are right on time." although they may be seething inside if you are in fact 45 seconds late. Remember to set your watch with the atomic clock as soon as you arrive in the US.

2. The host will tell you where to sit. This will most likely be on a chair placed close enough to the table for you to reach the plate. Feel free to move your chair in and out to find a comfortable position from the table. Do not, however, insist on moving or rotating the table or removing extraneous pieces of dining room furniture or knick-knacks because you will only eat in a feng shui environment where the element of water creates a prosperity corner. Your hosts may not wish to have their home “enlightened” and you will know this if you are assigned a prosperity corner by the dog’s waterbowl*.

3. It is polite to wait for others at the table to be served before you begin eating unless someone at the table announces, "I'm eating now while the food is still hot. If you want to be stupid and wait that's your problem", in which case everyone will grab their fork and dig in as no one wants to be labeled "stupid". Don't be last.

4. Food is passed to the right. If you pass it to the left you will hear large gasps and receive major glares from the other guests. You may even be taken aside and brutally chastised. Food is passed to the left at a funeral so unless you are indicating that you wish the host is dead or that their food tastes like food for the dead, you might want to practice your right from left hand before sitting at the table. There is no forgiveness for this.

5. Keep the table and tablecloth as clean as possible. Do not put bones, dentures, leaves or pet insects on the table that may wander off onto someone else's plate.

6. Do not spit any food out onto your plate. Do not spit onto your lap or your cup or another guest’s plate or even out a window. You will not receive applause or cheers for distance spitting as you might in your home country. If there is something in your mouth that you are having problems swallowing (e.g. bones, seeds, etc.) you better darn well just swallow it and go on.

7. Do not overload your mouth with food and then attempt to start a discussion. It is considered polite to look at a person when they speak and no one wants to watch you slide food side to side in your mouth, or spray and dribble it down your chin while you tell us about your wonderful country. You're going to make people sick and throwing up at a table is considered rude in America.

8. Watch how fast others are eating. Try not to be too slow or too fast. You might try to keep up with their pace by following what the person across from you is doing. Do not, however, feel you must mirror everything that person does. Double coughs or requests for green bean casserole may go largely unnoticed, but repeating every sentence they say and using duplicate hand gestures may draw stares and tsks. This is known as "copycatting" and is only acceptable between the ages of 4 and 10. It is best to avoid being labeled childish as you may be asked to move to the folding table with the other children in which case just hang your head, take your plate and go.

9. Never wipe your face, teeth or neck sweat on the table napkin even though you may assume that's what its for. The eating utensils are not souvenirs to be pocketed.

10. When you are finished eating say, “What a delicious meal! Thank you so much.” Avoid overzealous burping, common in some countries, as it only nauseates most Americans or causes them to be forced to restrain otherwise painful, uncontrollable laughter which is an unkindness. A simple apology is best. Do not make a big scene by fanning the air.

© 2004 Suzanne Weber